Things to Remember About Bullies
by Daniel Gottlieb
Author of Letters to Sam
Dear Sam,
Because of your autism and because you are very small, you are at high risk of being bullied. My guess is that you're going
to meet up with bullies at school. You're also going to meet them later on. Learning to deal with them now will help you then.
There are things I want to tell you about recognizing bullies. But the most important thing is that dealing
with bullying at this stage is something you and your parents need to do together. So this letter is for your mom and dad
as well as you.
You first.
It might help you to know a little bit about the kids who do the bullying. People who feel good about themselves
and their lives don't try to dominate other people the way bullies do. Psychologists say that it's hurt people who are most
likely to try hurting others, and I certainly think that's true with bullies. When they try to push other people around, they
are really trying to make themselves feel more secure. Of course that doesn't work. But they keep pushing -- harder and harder.
When you encounter one, I'll bet your first reaction will be fear. Then you will either feel ashamed of yourself
or get angry. But when you're dealing with a bully, fighting back rarely helps and often makes things worse.
A Buddhist teacher once said that a poisonous snake is only poisonous when you walk toward it. A bully is
like that poisonous snake. When you walk away from a bully, you are not being a coward, you are being smart.
Next, you have to tell someone about how you've been bullied. A teacher or principal might help, but it's really your
parents who need to know first. They realize that bullying can't be ignored, and they will make sure that other adults know
that as well.
This is the part of the letter that's for your parents. If you're being bullied, what should they do?
Well, your aunt Ali taught me what not to do.
When Debbie and Ali were in school, a bully on the bus gave them a terrible time. He teased viciously, swore,
and physically intimidated them. When Ali told me about it, right away I called both the bus company and the school principal
and insisted they do something about it.
The next day, when Ali came home from school, she was angry with me. Because of my intervention, the principal
had talked to my daughters. He meant well, but that was beside the point. >From what the principal said, Ali knew at once
that I'd told him everything. Then Ali and Debbie had been singled out, which embarrassed them. That wasn't what she and Debbie
had wanted when they talked to me. I was supposed to listen to them. Then, together, we were supposed to figure out what had
to be done.
As parents, we're outraged when bullies make our children miserable. But we have to understand that it's
not about us and our outrage; it's about our children and their needs. We have to put aside our own anger and anxiety to help
in the way that's best for them. If a child is in danger, of course we need to act at once. But short of that, we need to
listen.
Years after that school bus incident, a patient told me about a bullying episode from her childhood that
had left her deeply troubled. But the most troubling aspect was not what had happened to her. It was the way it had left her
mistrustful of her own parents.
When this woman was twelve years old, walking home from school by herself, she was approached by a group
of older boys who intimidated her, poked her, and touched her inappropriately. She managed to get away from them. When she
got home, her mother was not there, but her father saw at once how upset she was, and she told him what had happened. She
also identified one of the bullies as a boy in the neighborhood.
Enraged, her father ran out of the house to the home of the boy she had named and forced his way in, past
the boy's parents and upstairs to the boy's room. He started beating the boy, and he wouldn't stop until the police intervened.
When the father rushed out of the house to beat up the boy, he had left his frightened daughter alone. He
ended up in the police station, of course. The story got around school. His daughter was humiliated. But the worst part was
that the battle became all about him and not about her.
Telling me this, the woman realized that her own trauma got worse instead of better because of what her father
did. After that scene, she didn't talk to either parent when she was upset.
Sam, I'm quite sure your mom or dad would never do anything like that. But the impulse is there. They have
to deal with their own rage in a way that lets them see what is best for you.
So what would I advise them to do?
Let me tell you what my own mother did when I was bullied by a teacher during my junior year in high school.
The teacher had given me a C when I thought I deserved a B, and I said so. I met with him, made my case, and thought I must
have been convincing, because he changed my C to a B.
Six weeks later, I was called to the principal's office and accused of changing the grade on my report card.
I told the principal what had happened. The principal called in the teacher, who denied he had changed the grade. When I got
home -- because I was in danger of being suspended -- I told my mother the whole story.
When I asked if she would help me, she agreed. The next day, she came into the school loaded for bear. The
teacher backed down. The principal apologized. My grade was restored to a B.
And I was happy my mom did what she did. She fought for me, but first she listened. I asked for help, and
she helped me. The battle wasn't about her, it was about me. It was about taking care of her son.
So, Sam, whenever you get bullied, please make sure your parents read this letter before they do anything
about it. I want them to be able to act for you rather than for themselves. And I want you to trust that when you need to
talk, they will listen.
Love,
Pop
Copyright © 2006 Daniel Gottlieb
excerpted from the book Letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb Published by Sterling; April 2006;$17.95US/$25.95CAN; 1-4027-2883-2
Daniel Gottlieb,
a practicing psychologist and family therapist, is the host of "Voices in the Family" on WHYY, Philadelphia's National Public
Radio affiliate. A columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer, he is author of two books, including a collection of his columns
entitled Voices of Conflict; Voices of Healing. He is the father of two daughters, and Sam is his only grandson. The author's
royalties will benefit Cure Autism Now and other children's health organizations. Visit www.letterstosam.com for more info.
